Self preservation or self destruction? How well do we know the difference?

As the partner of a recovering porn addict, I have been hurt, lied to, betrayed and degraded more than my fair share over the last few years. At one point I became what the therapy books call a PC, Porn cop, meaning I would search through my partners computer and things to check up on him.

My reasoning was that I was protecting myself from more shocking revelations, the finding out you have been betrayed for months and feeling stupid for not knowing. So I saw myself as my saviour. I would preserve my dignity and self respect by not allowing myself to be lied to, no more being ignorant of the truth. I would know everything and I could think and decide what action to take against anything I found, I would take control. No more waiting to be hurt, waiting to see if, when and for how long you’ve been treated like a mug by the one person you should be able to rely on.

Makes sense right? Self preservation?

Or….

We can look at it this way….

I used to be a nice girl, I believed the best in people, I was an optimist. I saw the good in each person and did what I could to help them, I was confident and happy in myself I had self respect because I had morals and I stuck to them. I knew I was a good person and I was who I wanted to be….
Until I became the PC. I turned into a detective, the sort of girlfriend who believes her boyfriend is a c.u.n.t, for want of a better word. I saw the worst, I expected the worst, I searched for all the negativity I could find and I dwelt on it. I became cynical, negative, aggressive and self righteous. I lost my dignity and my self respect, I forgot who I was and became something else.
The more I turned into this other person, the more paranoid I became, the more I searched and the more I managed to find, things that may not have even bothered me before suddenly had hidden meaning and I would spend hours hating and trying to figure it out, always landing on negativity.

Easily done right? Self destruction?

I know the leading factor into this is the porn addiction and the damage this has done not only to us as a couple but to me as a person, it is only lately I can really see what has been happening to me. I was so busy focusing on his recovery and his problem, I wasn’t able to look after myself. I allowed myself to sink, I allowed self preservation and self destruction to become one.

…And so here I am.

The years of pain and my role as the PC have taken me away. Me. The things that made me me, all that I was and now I am stuck in a cycle, in the mind of someone I don’t want to be. How did it come to this?

We learn so many equations and facts at school, we spend years of our life there, supposedly being prepared for adulthood, yet we grow up without any real idea of how to live, how to protect ourself? How do we so easily get sucked into addictions, bad habits and these negative cycles? So much life wasted, so much hurt and pain or so many of us.

So now how do I continue…Do I stop the PC act completely and find myself but suffer constant doubt and worry about whether I will get hurt again, do I trust in my partner, in my judge of character, in the universe? Will these trusts help stop the worry and anxiety? Will they bring back my sense of self? Will I ever be strong enough to deal with his addictions without costing myself?

Well I hope so. I really hope so.

I’m not the addict but i just relapsed…Stuck in the past and sinking fast

So here I am, home alone and on my computer.

The hotmail page comes up (my boyfriends email page) and its logged on..funny its not usually left logged on. My curiosity creeps up.

Before I go further, let me remind you my partner is a porn addict, he has been on dating sites and have stupidly ott ‘friendships’ with other women he used to fantasize about, downloading their pictured from fb to use for masturbation material…I have been hurt so badly over the damage done to us by porn addiction, I doubted myself, my worth, my sanity, my body, my ability as a lover, as a person. He has lied, in all essence cheated, and hurt me.
But he is recovering and although has had a relapse or two, seems to be doing OK.

But…

He has been moody and snappy again, he has some sort of depressive issue and his usual fix for this strain is porn, or inappropriate behaviours of sorts…so you see I was more than curious…

I was drawn. I didn’t want to look. Turned it off. Turned it on. Turned it off…

Finally I turned it on.
And I found my heartache.

Sent emails had emails from one of the women he used to masturbate over, a women he used to work with, he told her he had sexy dreams about her and woke up rock solid…Firstly this hurt because he is clearly still fantasising about her and secondly because he doesn’t get rock solid for me these days…double whammy!
He told here he liked her hair…never says that to me

OK I know its getting crazy now…i know this. I know I have done some slightly bunny boiler ish things and that makes me crazy, but is it really crazy when your fears are justified??

I also know it could have been worse, after those messages there were 20 more mundane ones about feeling sad after Afghanistan and having nothing to do here but then…

I think this next part hurt as much as the ‘sex dreams ‘ bit….he spent so much chat moaning about his life here and how he hates it and he wants to just leave and if she finds work to let him know so he can go too and if he finds work she’ll be top of his list to let her know…
So not only is he oh so miserable with me, he wants to run away and she’s the first person he’ll call.

Not only this but then the icing on the cake??….i then found emails from January showing confirmations he went to see his ex in Tenerife.  We were broken up at the time, for about 5 months so it wasn’t cheating but he lied, he assured me he wasn’t meeting anyone else, and he did!   He had talke dot me eveyr day, led me to bellieve we were going to be together and this time apart was nothing more than him doing his travel and learning before coming back to settle…and all the time….

Now am I crazy?

Could I have been so wrong for so long, could I be so wrong about him being a decent guy, but a guy with an addiction?  Or is he just a complete bastard, am i blind?  I don’t know how to see the truth anymore.

And so yes, I have relapsed!! I didn’t want to become this sort of crazy, paranoid, over reactive woman, I didn’t want to check his things, I want to trust goddamn! I know his actions have led me here but I took the step, I am as much to blame for this misery I put on myself by looking.  Not that it excuses his behaviour but i choose to look, we were starting again and yet i am obsessed with the past, with things that hurt me.  Its almost like i want them to come out, i need to know…maybe subconsiously i am working up the courage to end it.

And so now I sit in bed, not sleeping yet again, feeling confused and hurt and I can’t even tell him I know, not only because I did wrong but also because the mental state he is in, it wouldn’t be received and discussed maturely, it would be aggressive arguing and ‘leaving’. Him shouting at me and not taking responsibility for his part and then I would get defensive and it would end in disaster.  Im not saying it shouldn’t end now, i am confused.

I know the internet isn’t the best place to vent, but then again it is, no face to face, no dissaproving friends faces,no other peoples opinions when they have never been in this situation…

And so the story ends where it began tonight, me home, alone and on my computer. My world has changed drastically and yet it is the same. I shouldn’t have looked…would you? Could you not?

Am i better knowing, should i let it ruin what we are working on what we have been fighting for, or should i honour our ‘fresh start’ and accept he is trying and its a long journey….how much can one woman take and how much should she take???

A life-raft in the storm, a break from the madness that is the relationship between myself and my depressed, porn addicted boyfriend.

You know how sometimes tiredness comes between you, you are agitated and you and your partner just rub each other up the wrong way? How the tiredness becomes a chasm opening up between you, forcing you each to retreat into your own safe little world because you just don’t have the energy to argue, or to deal with anything??

Yes, we all know this tiredness issue, and on Tuesday it could have very much been that for us. I worked late Monday night and was up at 6.30am to start early Tuesday morning, I had hardly slept and was exhausted, as was my partner.

But something miraculous happened…a miracle if you will!

I returned home at lunch time and we were so tired, but instead of arguing, we cuddled, we lay down and napped in each others arms, we walked to the shop hand in hand, we chatted light-heartedly after feeling refreshed and we played one of his favourite warhammer style geek games. I won and he didn’t get annoyed, it was an incredibly positive day.

It felt like life before the porn addiction.

It felt like a ray of sunshine after a month long storm, like seeing the first flower of spring after the darkest winter on record, it was like waking up from a nightmare.

Maybe it is the step towards recovering as a couple. The damage from porn addiction is deep and hard to shift but maybe, just maybe we are taking the right steps.

Or could it simply be we each just couldn’t take any more, the self preservation kicked in and we both subconsciously just decided no more, that we needed a break before insanity claimed us both, and our relationship.

Who knows, maybe this is natures way when we reach rock bottom, when we are close to breaking. I was asking last week how people know what to do in these situations, how people manage to walk the path and know they are going in the right direction, how do we decide if to stay or go…maybe I was reaching a breaking point, I needed a sign and my subconscious, along with his helped us see the way, or at least see some of the positive things, feel the positive emotions and remember why we fell in love, why we fight for us even though it would be easier to give up.

For now I feel refreshed and ready to continue on our fight for a secure, strong, porn free relationship.
Watch this space to see what tomorrow brings…rain or shine??

Post relapse: Moods, melodrama and making up!

After having a tough old week wondering if it was all worth it, if the good would ever again outweigh the bad, if he was going to be a miserable and cruel sod for as long as I stayed with him… on Friday evening the mood broke.

Like the clearing of a bad storm front which has been harassing you for a week or more, the negative energy radiating from my partner through his relapse/depression was palpably heavy. It was dark, restrictive, consistently black and grey and depressing to be in. When it finally broke on Friday, I wasn’t sure if it was indeed a break or just a small respite, he often feels better and ten minutes later starts raging or moping about some unseen, unreal or exaggerated problem.

So Friday evening we ate, we watched TV, he relaxed and I walked on eggshells, waiting. I couldn’t bear to bring up any real conversation for fear of throwing off the positive vibe and jumping back into the storm so we had a pleasant if slightly distant evening.

Saturday morning the skies were still sunny, we got the chores done for the day and showered together, which even resulted in some intimate times, yeeeh! OK so I figured the mood was positive for while, and it was.

We had a positive weekend, we read some of our new porn addiction problem together and had discussions which didn’t involve cruelty or aggression, we went on a few walks, cooked some meals together and generally relaxed, Its been great.

But today I am feeling a whiff of something on the air. A slight snap to his voice, a distance between us as he slowly retreats back into himself and away from us, the first signs of a dark front rumbling in. But at this point, the front is not imminent, it may simply pass over, or around. I hope it does because with so much stormy weather lately and less and less blue sky, its hard to stay on board.

I feel so tired, drained every day and I know its the atmosphere here, the edgy feel to the air so often present since the porn addiction has come out. It is hard work and I feel I could shut down and sleep for a week…maybe that will have to happen. If another storm is whipped up now, I simply don’t have what it takes to withstand, its sink or swim and maybe a little swim away to a deserted island is just what I need. Some alone time to reconnect with myself and find my strength so I can come back more able to stand up to the gale force winds and constant downpour.

But hell, maybe it will just pass. Maybe I will be able to recover, sunning on the boat of our relationship, mayhap we will recovere together and we will stay afloat after all. Time will tell, time and temperament.

A partners relapse into porn, depression and unemployment…Fantastic, just bloody fantastic week!

How do you cope with his relapse?

I’ve read the books, I’ve spoken to addicts and I was well aware relapses are part of recovery, I was prepared…or so I thought.

Its so strange that I was just starting to relax and feel less stress over the addiction, to trust him and not worry 24/7. We had agreed to spend a little time apart, just a day or so a week so we could value our time together and for the first time, I was OK with that, able to enjoy seeing my friends without wondering what he was doing, if he was slipping up.

The irony is that he was. Last week in conversation it came up he had found some porn he had missed on his computer and when I asked, he admitted he had relapsed, basically the first time it had come up, as soon as I wasn’t there, he fell off the wagon. Worse is that he wouldn’t have even told me, if the conversation hadn’t come around and I hadn’t asked, I still wouldn’t know. He’d still be lying to me. Hell maybe he already is. Maybe he lied about it just being a relapse and he deleted it after maybe he’s back on the porn…why would he tell me? Hurting me makes him feel guilty and so he lies, he betrays me even more with disrespectful, selfish behaviour and I honestly don’t know hat to think.

I have spent the last week contemplating whether I should leave him. I stayed so far because I know he is struggling, not just with this addiction but with life, after leaving the forces he is lost, he isn’t finding work, he is doubting himself and he is depressed, not that he would talk to anyone about it. Me and his mother are pretty much the only people he talks to and he’s sinking deeper and deeper and when you love someone you be there for them right?
You stick by them and support them through the worst, but what if its dragging you down. What if your drowning in their misery, what if he uses you as an emotional pin cushion because he thinks you’ll never go? He says the word sorry, but what is a word?

Is it just a blanket word too reduce his guilt?  Surely if he were truly sorry he wouldn’t have to keep repeating the word, he would correct the things he is sorry for?
Am I a fool? The way he talks to me I feel like one. Like I am nothing, like I really am the limpit that just hangs on no matter what like he says in his rages sometimes…oh but then he’s sorry.

How much of myself can I keep giving?  If i left, would I be happier? Would he? Would he finally realize, too late, that i was right all along and we are meant to be? I know if I go there is no coming back, I couldn’t. I have some dignity and resolve. I will not be the sort of woman that keeps going back for more. Once the decision is made, it is made. that’s why i do not take the decision lightly, until i am 100% sure we can’t be saved.

I don’t want to regret leaving someone who I could be so happy with when they have dealt with their demons, when he isn’t being an arse things are still good, life is hard, for us both but when we come together, its good.
But thats happening less lately, the lower he sinks.  I am embarrassed by the way I let him treat me, what do you do? How do you stand by someone who is sinking so deep? How do people become people’s rock, how can you be there for someone consistantly and still be strong enough to hold your own head above water? Maybe I’m just not strong enough, maybe I am weaker than I thought.

Maybe staying is weak, maybe leaving is weak…Does anybody know? Does anybody ever truly know or is it some fantasy? When we are the ones in these situations, does anybody ever feel confident they are doing the right thing and if so, how?? How in the world do we come to knowing because I need guidance right now, I am losing faith, I am losing myself and I feel I am losing our relationship.

I am here, writing this so  guess thats a sign I have hope, that I am not yet ready to give up and that I love him.  If I was done, this would be a very different blog, would it not?  Maybe venting here will help…I think it helps… Anyone know anything at all of any help or use here???

Hell, maybe I am also depressed and crazy, who knows, right?!?

Meditation + Visualization + Full moon = Enlightenment

Meditation.  We all know its beneficial and we all know how amazing it can be for bringing harmony and a centredness back into our lives, but do we do it? Nope, or not enough anyway. I certainly don’ do enough of it.

A few weeks ago I re-blogged a post someone had written about meditating on forgiveness and I fully intended to give this a go. Did it happen? No. Well yes and no.
I made an alteration, and here’s how and why I found meditation plus visualization works more effectively for me.

Last weekend my partner and I had a slightly off night, he confessed he doesn’t know if he’s with me because it easier than breaking up, if he loves me enough or in the way I want to be loved. He said he wasn’t saying it to be cruel he was just sharing his thoughts at that moment. Usually this is the point I would push and push it, forcing discussion and ultimately making it worse. Because of course this porn addiction is damaging to both parties.

For him, he has so many doubts about everything, including himself and his capabilities and often thinks running away from things that make him face his issues will help, for me I get insecure and feel the need for more reassurance…as you can imagine these two things do not tie in well together.

But last week something changed. I couldn’t be bothered, I was tired of this game of negativity circling between us so when he said these things, I said fine, suggested we watch a film and we even cuddled, of course the said things were still on my mind but I decided not to worsen things. We went to bed and I awoke at about 5am, thinking.

As I laid there in bed, I decided I would attempt this meditation. We were away in a B&B so getting up was out of the question.
I closed my eyes and remembered the idea of meditating on forgiveness and I tried, I thought about forgiving him for his painful words last night but it didn’t work. So I thought more deeply.
Suddenly a saying sprung to mind, something about holding on to hot coals only burns you…

So I combined the two.
I visualized a hot coal in my hand and this coal was the hurt his words had caused, I quietly whispered why it wasn’t his fault and so blame was useless, I whispered forgiveness to him and I let it go, it felt great. I then realized I was annoyed with myself for holding on to it, so I reached into my heart and removed a hot coal from myself, and I forgave myself.

I then repeated the process for everything, for him having this addiction in the first place, for the lies, for the way I had allowed this to effect me, I let it all go, releasing the coal and the burning damage with it.

Afterwards I lay there, and I suddenly had a vision of some luna moon goddess welcoming me back into her praise, I saw the norse goddess, Freya and she too was opening her arms to me, I could feel all sort of female divinities around me, Gaia the earth goddess, and others I do not even know, supporting me and becoming me, it was the most enlightening experience of my life to date.

Now I’m not saying these goddesses actually graced me with their presence, but maybe each is a mere reflection of a part of myself I had let go. I imagine Freya to be my strength, she brings to my mind a feminine power and hardiness. I imagine Luna to be my calmness and togetherness, and the other divinities t represent other aspects, my belief and faith in the future and in love, my connection with the earth and grounding, my wisdom and my energy.
I felt renewed and for the first time in so long I can barely remember, I felt myself. My actual self, not the version of myself I had recently been, not the weak, self pitying part of me, lacking in confidence and power.

I then quietly snuck out of the room to shower, feeling the need to really rid myself of the weaknesses I had shed, the last traces of my negative self were washed from my body and I felt revived.

I’m not sure if I had just reached a point where I was ready to find inner strength, whether the meditation was so fantastic or whether the full moon fuelled my enlightenment and I really don’t care what it was, it worked and when Marcus awoke and I explained my experience, he also seemed lightened. Like the weight of my misery was also lifted from his shoulders.

Since then he felt able to ask for some alone time, and I felt confident enough to give it, we spent the last Monday to Friday at our separate homes and it was definitely beneficial for us. He was able to realize the benefits of having me, to spend some time reflecting at things within himself and come back to remembering and reliving the positive aspects of us, and me? Well I thoroughly enjoyed sending time with several of my best girly friends, I enjoyed some trashy TV, some wine and bought myself flowers and I relaxed. I managed to make the most and be in the moment, not wondering what he was doing or how he was doing. It was my time, and it was great.

We are enjoying confidence and security apart as well as together now, and we even had some sexy times this weekend. All in all, I think without realizing it I had reached a rock bottom and my mind created a way out. Hopefully this enlightenment will last and spread, I would love to be able to help others reach a similar state!

Forgive..It sounds so simple, such a short and simple word…But what is this magic??

What is this forgiveness lark and how do you do it?

Lately I really feel like I am incapable of forgetting the past. Today I can’t even look at my partner.

Today the past is right here, in my mind and in my heart. I am being consumed by my memories of the pain and hurt caused by his addiction. But its not just the past…what about the future? He lied to me yesterday, granted it wasn’t that big a thing but why is he still lying? What does it mean?
Today I question it all

Today I wonder what forgiveness is, really. Is it even possible to just put it behind you, to let go of the negativity? It sounds like magic to me and I really wish I knew how the weave the spells to perform it but it feels a million miles away.

Today my partner is happy, he sits and hums to himself and I despise him for his ability to feel light hearted whilst I suffer. How can he be so free of pain and I so full of it? How is this fair, its not my addiction, why am I the one seemingly paying the emotional price for it? Why am I losing sleep, doubting MYSELF?

Does he steal my positivity whilst I sleep? Does it fuel his recovery and mental attitude, allowing him to be happy and free whilst I am left depleted? Maybe not literally, but that’s what it feels like today. I used to be so happy, so positive, such an optimist and now I feel like I can barely remember the words, never mind what it feels like to be that way.

Today I type and I cry, I feel sorry for myself. I wonder how I fell for someone who could do this, why did I give him the power to hurt me? Why was I so understanding, seeing he best in him, believing in him? Why am I such a sucker for punishment that I stayed so long? That I stay still?
Am I a fool or just a really good person? Is love enough?

Today is difficult.
Today I struggle.
Today I still have a little hope though, and so I endure.

Reading between the lies… playing detective in the relationship.

When do the lies stop and what do they mean?

Today is not a good day.

One of the most annoying and hurtful parts of being a porn addicts partner is the lies. Lies feel like disrespect. They feel like betrayal, when someone you are closest to lies to you time and time again, it really shakes up the foundation of your relationship.

I guess at least they are not just lying to be cruel, addiction can turn people into versions of themselves they don’t want to be and often don’t realize they are being…Or maybe they are just selfish and they don’t care.

Before I go any further, and before you judge I shall explain that my partner and I met whilst he was in Afghan, online. We met for real when he came home, had a few dates and he left again. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him again, but I did we chatted and when he was home next we met again and got together officially.
So that first time period of meeting up until we actually declared we were together was about 5 months.

OK, so last year when we were working on sharing things I asked him what other girls he saw as well as me at the beginning. Mostly I wanted to know if he would be honest, it didn’t matter after all we weren’t together but also I am curious about such things. As I think a lot of us are, but really it didn’t hurt me when he said he met another woman twice when he was home that first time but nothing happened, they didn’t get on so well and stopped speaking.

I told him her name. Yep that’s right, I knew. I have an intuition some might call a super power. I often find I know things, or suspect things with people and cant say why, but almost always they are right. Anyway, I assumed he was telling the truth. No reason to lie when im not even upset or angry.

Until yesterday…Yesterday he, for some reason, opened up his fb pictures to public, previously nobody could see them. So I had a gander, mostly to see his young self, to see abit of his past. Not to spy as such but I did notice pictures a girl posted of him, after our initial meeting…so I asked him.
He said it was before we met, that they met once and nothing happened…It didn’t feel right and my senses were tingling so I checked out her page, and she had statuses declaring they were together, on 2 consecutive days, after our first 2 dates…I questioned him again and he replied that he doesn’t remember dates, he thought it was before we got together.

But of course, he stayed with her a night, so something happened, and I also remembered the name from his online supplement store, he had paid for and sent her supplements before, like he did for me. (hes a personal trainer, so often does programs for people) But I imagine you don’t pay for that stuff after just one date.

Assured reliance highlighted in blue, under the heading Trust

I asked him to tell me all about it. I wanted some truth, I didn’t care about the girl. We weren’t together and it was so long ago, but I care about whether he has the ability to actually tell me the truth. He didn’t. He wouldn’t. Apparently I am just being nosy.

So now I really wonder, what is he still lying about, why not tell me? What more is there to this story? Did it go on after we were together? What other girls were there, if he outright lied about this…I know he was on dating sites a few times, which we linked to the porn addiction, he was using the pictures to masturbate to, nothing more and I had let that go at the time as I was on his account and there were no messages.
He had been online on my computer and was still logged in when I turned my computer on by the way, I wasn’t searching and snooping.

So now what does this all mean? After so much time and effort talking, learning to share, be honest…What was all that? It clearly didn’t mean anything to him or why would he still lie, and why refuse to tell me about it when I asked. I said I don’t care about the past but I do care about how he communicates now and I wanted some honesty to try to mend the damage by his recent lie.

Is this the reality, is it all based on lies? Or is it a slip up? I understand why he lied, but I don’t understand why he was reluctant to put it right. Why would he want me sat here questioning it all, unhappy and feeling deceived, when he could have fixed that, easily.

I’m once again confused and hurt. Today is one of the darker days where I don’t know what to believe in, I don’t truly know if its worth it. I can’t visualize our future right now.
Anyone recovering from addiction and the people in their lives must go through this roller-coaster of a ride and it sucks! It well and truly sucks!

No, today is not a good day at all.

Interesting experience and input on the porn addiction in our lives, from a tarot reading

Interesting moment over the weekend…

My partner and I went to a holistic festival, we walked around the stalls, went to a talk on Celtic wicca and druidry, bought a few crystals and then were drawn to a tarot reader.

I find it interesting, but I’m also a realist so I’m never 100% sure what’s what with these things, I love the idea but I can’t help but look in a sceptical light, sometimes I wonder if its mind reading they are unknowingly doing, or just picking up on some sort of signals.  Still I have oracle cards at home and i generally find comfort in using those so…

I sat down, firstly she looked at me and told me I was a teacher. Correct, the first card told about how I am going through a transformation and will soon be teaching even more things down slightly different routes. Correct. I am currently teaching fitness and am looking to go more into the holistic side teaching meditations and alternative practises.

The second card went to say how I was on a quest for knowledge…which I ALWAYS am, but that I have a lot of knowledge I don’t use properly. Yes OK, I do discover a lot and move on without implementing it as much as I should, I was informed I need to meditate more, which I do. My partner and I are always talking about it, I never manage it as much as he does and am constantly saying I need to take more time to meditate.

And then the third card, it said about my being hurt, by someone close, not a family member but someone right next to me (at this point it took all my will not to look across at Marcus)and that this hurt was deep, and its still there. That its something to be worked through but that its going to take all my strength, more than I know but that I can deal with it, and will move past it.

Bearing in mind my partner is a recovering porn addict and were only recently dealing with all the hurt an pain, facing the problem and moving past it, I found this part to be particularly of interest. It seems the reading was relatively close to the truth, there wasn’t a lot she said that didn’t tie in. In fact the only part she did say was that she saw children. Marcus and I do not want children…well unless we both change our minds, that part was wrong.

As I said it was a pretty spot on reading and I came away impressed, and a little emotional after she suddenly looked up at the end and said I had a grandparent, a grandmother on the other side who is with me and watching over me. My Nana meant a lot to me so, whether I believe it 100% or not, its still nice to take comfort from the reading.

I am open minded if nothing else.

So there it is, my interesting experience with the tarot reader who hit the nail on the head with the whole porn addiction, without a clue as to the problem or who caused it, she managed to sum it up and give us both hope.