So I was lying in bed this morning, my partner sleeping beside me. Contentedly, peacefully, you would never guess from his sweet expression he was fighting a porn addiction.
He snuggled in to my, cuddling me, it was nice. It is about as much physical contact as we get these days.
You see the problem with a recovering porn addict is that, in order to close down the desire for porn, they often shut down the desire full stop. They have subconsciously taught themselves arousal is bad, sex is shameful and dirty. On the other hand you, after years of being rejected, coming second best to porn and after the stresses and strains of their moods and troubles, you feel insecure and in need of physical connection, you need to feel desirable again, like more than just a friend. More than just a crutch to support them, like its worth it, you need some reassurance. And you see the problem unfold.
He pulls away, I want to be closer and we both need these things to get through the hard times. Its possible though, one day we will be having a healthy sexual relationship as well, but it takes a long time, a lot of effort and compromise and as the partner, you have to find other ways to ful the void, other ways to find your self worth again, to reassure yourself your still attractive, you are good enough, its not your failure. Its difficult to say the least.
Anyway, I was lying there, as I do a lot of mornings contemplating my frustrations and how best to deal with them, how to get my security back and feel confident in myself, how to connect without the pressure of sex, I was wondering how we work this so we both get what we need….and then a miracle happened….
After 3 weeks of no contact sexually, he initiated…Yep we had sex and of course now I want to shout if from the rooftops. Because the GOOD thing about sex with a recovering porn addict is that they are there with you, 100% with you, you are connecting in a way you haven’t in a long time, it is meaningful, sparse but meaningful.
After the years of them slipping away to be with their fantasy, knowing they are with you physically but mentally elsewhere with someone else, after the heartache of knowing the sex is meaningless to them, its fantastic to be able to connect again!
Its a step, every time we are one step closer to a healthy sexual relationship, he is one step closer to retuning himself to connect love with sex, emotion with physical sensation. We have a long way to go, many ups and downs I’m sure but it feels good to be on the right path. Together.
The Porn Addicts Partner 
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