Self preservation or self destruction? How well do we know the difference?

As the partner of a recovering porn addict, I have been hurt, lied to, betrayed and degraded more than my fair share over the last few years. At one point I became what the therapy books call a PC, Porn cop, meaning I would search through my partners computer and things to check up on him.

My reasoning was that I was protecting myself from more shocking revelations, the finding out you have been betrayed for months and feeling stupid for not knowing. So I saw myself as my saviour. I would preserve my dignity and self respect by not allowing myself to be lied to, no more being ignorant of the truth. I would know everything and I could think and decide what action to take against anything I found, I would take control. No more waiting to be hurt, waiting to see if, when and for how long you’ve been treated like a mug by the one person you should be able to rely on.

Makes sense right? Self preservation?

Or….

We can look at it this way….

I used to be a nice girl, I believed the best in people, I was an optimist. I saw the good in each person and did what I could to help them, I was confident and happy in myself I had self respect because I had morals and I stuck to them. I knew I was a good person and I was who I wanted to be….
Until I became the PC. I turned into a detective, the sort of girlfriend who believes her boyfriend is a c.u.n.t, for want of a better word. I saw the worst, I expected the worst, I searched for all the negativity I could find and I dwelt on it. I became cynical, negative, aggressive and self righteous. I lost my dignity and my self respect, I forgot who I was and became something else.
The more I turned into this other person, the more paranoid I became, the more I searched and the more I managed to find, things that may not have even bothered me before suddenly had hidden meaning and I would spend hours hating and trying to figure it out, always landing on negativity.

Easily done right? Self destruction?

I know the leading factor into this is the porn addiction and the damage this has done not only to us as a couple but to me as a person, it is only lately I can really see what has been happening to me. I was so busy focusing on his recovery and his problem, I wasn’t able to look after myself. I allowed myself to sink, I allowed self preservation and self destruction to become one.

…And so here I am.

The years of pain and my role as the PC have taken me away. Me. The things that made me me, all that I was and now I am stuck in a cycle, in the mind of someone I don’t want to be. How did it come to this?

We learn so many equations and facts at school, we spend years of our life there, supposedly being prepared for adulthood, yet we grow up without any real idea of how to live, how to protect ourself? How do we so easily get sucked into addictions, bad habits and these negative cycles? So much life wasted, so much hurt and pain or so many of us.

So now how do I continue…Do I stop the PC act completely and find myself but suffer constant doubt and worry about whether I will get hurt again, do I trust in my partner, in my judge of character, in the universe? Will these trusts help stop the worry and anxiety? Will they bring back my sense of self? Will I ever be strong enough to deal with his addictions without costing myself?

Well I hope so. I really hope so.

A life-raft in the storm, a break from the madness that is the relationship between myself and my depressed, porn addicted boyfriend.

You know how sometimes tiredness comes between you, you are agitated and you and your partner just rub each other up the wrong way? How the tiredness becomes a chasm opening up between you, forcing you each to retreat into your own safe little world because you just don’t have the energy to argue, or to deal with anything??

Yes, we all know this tiredness issue, and on Tuesday it could have very much been that for us. I worked late Monday night and was up at 6.30am to start early Tuesday morning, I had hardly slept and was exhausted, as was my partner.

But something miraculous happened…a miracle if you will!

I returned home at lunch time and we were so tired, but instead of arguing, we cuddled, we lay down and napped in each others arms, we walked to the shop hand in hand, we chatted light-heartedly after feeling refreshed and we played one of his favourite warhammer style geek games. I won and he didn’t get annoyed, it was an incredibly positive day.

It felt like life before the porn addiction.

It felt like a ray of sunshine after a month long storm, like seeing the first flower of spring after the darkest winter on record, it was like waking up from a nightmare.

Maybe it is the step towards recovering as a couple. The damage from porn addiction is deep and hard to shift but maybe, just maybe we are taking the right steps.

Or could it simply be we each just couldn’t take any more, the self preservation kicked in and we both subconsciously just decided no more, that we needed a break before insanity claimed us both, and our relationship.

Who knows, maybe this is natures way when we reach rock bottom, when we are close to breaking. I was asking last week how people know what to do in these situations, how people manage to walk the path and know they are going in the right direction, how do we decide if to stay or go…maybe I was reaching a breaking point, I needed a sign and my subconscious, along with his helped us see the way, or at least see some of the positive things, feel the positive emotions and remember why we fell in love, why we fight for us even though it would be easier to give up.

For now I feel refreshed and ready to continue on our fight for a secure, strong, porn free relationship.
Watch this space to see what tomorrow brings…rain or shine??

Post relapse: Moods, melodrama and making up!

After having a tough old week wondering if it was all worth it, if the good would ever again outweigh the bad, if he was going to be a miserable and cruel sod for as long as I stayed with him… on Friday evening the mood broke.

Like the clearing of a bad storm front which has been harassing you for a week or more, the negative energy radiating from my partner through his relapse/depression was palpably heavy. It was dark, restrictive, consistently black and grey and depressing to be in. When it finally broke on Friday, I wasn’t sure if it was indeed a break or just a small respite, he often feels better and ten minutes later starts raging or moping about some unseen, unreal or exaggerated problem.

So Friday evening we ate, we watched TV, he relaxed and I walked on eggshells, waiting. I couldn’t bear to bring up any real conversation for fear of throwing off the positive vibe and jumping back into the storm so we had a pleasant if slightly distant evening.

Saturday morning the skies were still sunny, we got the chores done for the day and showered together, which even resulted in some intimate times, yeeeh! OK so I figured the mood was positive for while, and it was.

We had a positive weekend, we read some of our new porn addiction problem together and had discussions which didn’t involve cruelty or aggression, we went on a few walks, cooked some meals together and generally relaxed, Its been great.

But today I am feeling a whiff of something on the air. A slight snap to his voice, a distance between us as he slowly retreats back into himself and away from us, the first signs of a dark front rumbling in. But at this point, the front is not imminent, it may simply pass over, or around. I hope it does because with so much stormy weather lately and less and less blue sky, its hard to stay on board.

I feel so tired, drained every day and I know its the atmosphere here, the edgy feel to the air so often present since the porn addiction has come out. It is hard work and I feel I could shut down and sleep for a week…maybe that will have to happen. If another storm is whipped up now, I simply don’t have what it takes to withstand, its sink or swim and maybe a little swim away to a deserted island is just what I need. Some alone time to reconnect with myself and find my strength so I can come back more able to stand up to the gale force winds and constant downpour.

But hell, maybe it will just pass. Maybe I will be able to recover, sunning on the boat of our relationship, mayhap we will recovere together and we will stay afloat after all. Time will tell, time and temperament.

A partners relapse into porn, depression and unemployment…Fantastic, just bloody fantastic week!

How do you cope with his relapse?

I’ve read the books, I’ve spoken to addicts and I was well aware relapses are part of recovery, I was prepared…or so I thought.

Its so strange that I was just starting to relax and feel less stress over the addiction, to trust him and not worry 24/7. We had agreed to spend a little time apart, just a day or so a week so we could value our time together and for the first time, I was OK with that, able to enjoy seeing my friends without wondering what he was doing, if he was slipping up.

The irony is that he was. Last week in conversation it came up he had found some porn he had missed on his computer and when I asked, he admitted he had relapsed, basically the first time it had come up, as soon as I wasn’t there, he fell off the wagon. Worse is that he wouldn’t have even told me, if the conversation hadn’t come around and I hadn’t asked, I still wouldn’t know. He’d still be lying to me. Hell maybe he already is. Maybe he lied about it just being a relapse and he deleted it after maybe he’s back on the porn…why would he tell me? Hurting me makes him feel guilty and so he lies, he betrays me even more with disrespectful, selfish behaviour and I honestly don’t know hat to think.

I have spent the last week contemplating whether I should leave him. I stayed so far because I know he is struggling, not just with this addiction but with life, after leaving the forces he is lost, he isn’t finding work, he is doubting himself and he is depressed, not that he would talk to anyone about it. Me and his mother are pretty much the only people he talks to and he’s sinking deeper and deeper and when you love someone you be there for them right?
You stick by them and support them through the worst, but what if its dragging you down. What if your drowning in their misery, what if he uses you as an emotional pin cushion because he thinks you’ll never go? He says the word sorry, but what is a word?

Is it just a blanket word too reduce his guilt?  Surely if he were truly sorry he wouldn’t have to keep repeating the word, he would correct the things he is sorry for?
Am I a fool? The way he talks to me I feel like one. Like I am nothing, like I really am the limpit that just hangs on no matter what like he says in his rages sometimes…oh but then he’s sorry.

How much of myself can I keep giving?  If i left, would I be happier? Would he? Would he finally realize, too late, that i was right all along and we are meant to be? I know if I go there is no coming back, I couldn’t. I have some dignity and resolve. I will not be the sort of woman that keeps going back for more. Once the decision is made, it is made. that’s why i do not take the decision lightly, until i am 100% sure we can’t be saved.

I don’t want to regret leaving someone who I could be so happy with when they have dealt with their demons, when he isn’t being an arse things are still good, life is hard, for us both but when we come together, its good.
But thats happening less lately, the lower he sinks.  I am embarrassed by the way I let him treat me, what do you do? How do you stand by someone who is sinking so deep? How do people become people’s rock, how can you be there for someone consistantly and still be strong enough to hold your own head above water? Maybe I’m just not strong enough, maybe I am weaker than I thought.

Maybe staying is weak, maybe leaving is weak…Does anybody know? Does anybody ever truly know or is it some fantasy? When we are the ones in these situations, does anybody ever feel confident they are doing the right thing and if so, how?? How in the world do we come to knowing because I need guidance right now, I am losing faith, I am losing myself and I feel I am losing our relationship.

I am here, writing this so  guess thats a sign I have hope, that I am not yet ready to give up and that I love him.  If I was done, this would be a very different blog, would it not?  Maybe venting here will help…I think it helps… Anyone know anything at all of any help or use here???

Hell, maybe I am also depressed and crazy, who knows, right?!?

Reading between the lies… playing detective in the relationship.

When do the lies stop and what do they mean?

Today is not a good day.

One of the most annoying and hurtful parts of being a porn addicts partner is the lies. Lies feel like disrespect. They feel like betrayal, when someone you are closest to lies to you time and time again, it really shakes up the foundation of your relationship.

I guess at least they are not just lying to be cruel, addiction can turn people into versions of themselves they don’t want to be and often don’t realize they are being…Or maybe they are just selfish and they don’t care.

Before I go any further, and before you judge I shall explain that my partner and I met whilst he was in Afghan, online. We met for real when he came home, had a few dates and he left again. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him again, but I did we chatted and when he was home next we met again and got together officially.
So that first time period of meeting up until we actually declared we were together was about 5 months.

OK, so last year when we were working on sharing things I asked him what other girls he saw as well as me at the beginning. Mostly I wanted to know if he would be honest, it didn’t matter after all we weren’t together but also I am curious about such things. As I think a lot of us are, but really it didn’t hurt me when he said he met another woman twice when he was home that first time but nothing happened, they didn’t get on so well and stopped speaking.

I told him her name. Yep that’s right, I knew. I have an intuition some might call a super power. I often find I know things, or suspect things with people and cant say why, but almost always they are right. Anyway, I assumed he was telling the truth. No reason to lie when im not even upset or angry.

Until yesterday…Yesterday he, for some reason, opened up his fb pictures to public, previously nobody could see them. So I had a gander, mostly to see his young self, to see abit of his past. Not to spy as such but I did notice pictures a girl posted of him, after our initial meeting…so I asked him.
He said it was before we met, that they met once and nothing happened…It didn’t feel right and my senses were tingling so I checked out her page, and she had statuses declaring they were together, on 2 consecutive days, after our first 2 dates…I questioned him again and he replied that he doesn’t remember dates, he thought it was before we got together.

But of course, he stayed with her a night, so something happened, and I also remembered the name from his online supplement store, he had paid for and sent her supplements before, like he did for me. (hes a personal trainer, so often does programs for people) But I imagine you don’t pay for that stuff after just one date.

Assured reliance highlighted in blue, under the heading Trust

I asked him to tell me all about it. I wanted some truth, I didn’t care about the girl. We weren’t together and it was so long ago, but I care about whether he has the ability to actually tell me the truth. He didn’t. He wouldn’t. Apparently I am just being nosy.

So now I really wonder, what is he still lying about, why not tell me? What more is there to this story? Did it go on after we were together? What other girls were there, if he outright lied about this…I know he was on dating sites a few times, which we linked to the porn addiction, he was using the pictures to masturbate to, nothing more and I had let that go at the time as I was on his account and there were no messages.
He had been online on my computer and was still logged in when I turned my computer on by the way, I wasn’t searching and snooping.

So now what does this all mean? After so much time and effort talking, learning to share, be honest…What was all that? It clearly didn’t mean anything to him or why would he still lie, and why refuse to tell me about it when I asked. I said I don’t care about the past but I do care about how he communicates now and I wanted some honesty to try to mend the damage by his recent lie.

Is this the reality, is it all based on lies? Or is it a slip up? I understand why he lied, but I don’t understand why he was reluctant to put it right. Why would he want me sat here questioning it all, unhappy and feeling deceived, when he could have fixed that, easily.

I’m once again confused and hurt. Today is one of the darker days where I don’t know what to believe in, I don’t truly know if its worth it. I can’t visualize our future right now.
Anyone recovering from addiction and the people in their lives must go through this roller-coaster of a ride and it sucks! It well and truly sucks!

No, today is not a good day at all.

To believe or not to believe, that is the question…That is always the question when your in a relationship with a recovering addict

When it comes to addicts its difficult to know what words really mean to them, in my experience. The amount of times my partner has lied to me is uncountable, hiding things, saying things to pacify me so I don’t look into situations or take notice of something, and outright looking me dead in the eye and brazenly lying to a question I already know the answer to.

Well of course he’s not the best at lying, heaven only knows why he keeps attempting this.

Anyhow, its relatively easy to tell a lot of the time, or at least get a sense something is wrong, to some degree. But what do you do when he turns around being overly nasty one day, telling you he thinks you hold him back, he doesn’t even know if he loves you because he feels like he’s acting all the time, when he tells you its your fault he feels this way because you snapped at him for not putting your throw back and it just starts a downward cycle. And then, here’s the best bit..he tells me not to worry about it though, it’ll probably all be OK tomorrow and goes to sleep! Yeh thanks for that, I’m going to sleep now…NOT!

Well what do you do then?

We had the best weekend, literally the best we’ve had in so long, lots of intimacy, cuddling and affection, lots of giggling and positive talks, we even did a little ritual on the new moon to manifest ourselves a house and success in our business….so where did this really come from?

Which part was lies and what is the truth?
When I ask he says he doesn’t know, all the bad stuff is probably brewing all the time…is it? Or is he having one of the terrible mood swings, hormonal imbalance, withdrawal they talk about in recovery books?

How do I not worry? How can I be strong and stay strong in the relationship, support him and not break down with this on my shoulders? Am I going through all this recovery with him for him to just ditch me off? Is it worth it? His porn addiction started just before we met so I have never known him any other way, this sort of talk is not new, he has expressed doubts throughout our relationship but its always been OK, He always came out of it after saying it was just a bad mood but just lately he was more sure than ever it was definitely me, he was so much more committed, quitting the porn, putting time and effort into me, us and finally communicating…so why this again?

I am truly confused right now. How do you move forward when your fears are being reinforced, when he seems unsure. How do I separate truth from fiction when he doesn’t even seem to know?

Maybe addicts have spent so long lying they don’t know any more, words come and go but they don’t understand the meaning, even when they come from their own mouths, have they lied to themselves for so long, shut themselves down, talked themselves into their addiction, justifying it that they don’t know??

I don’t know, I don’t have an addictive personality, its not something I understand. I have always been free of compulsions and very sure footed in life, I know me, who I am, what I think and I say what I think, and feel, I don’t pretend…It really confused me when others aren’t the same. The older I get, the more I feel the truly open and honest breed of person is dying out. I look at all these people and wonder how they cope, how do they remember their lies, how do they look at the ones they love and lie, how do they look in the mirror and stand proud? How does my partner do this and what does it mean that he does?

Maybe this doesn’t matter to everyone, maybe too few of us are taught self respect, dignity and pride in yourself? Maybe we forget, maybe our lessons in school should be less on mathematics and science and a little more on life, how to actually live it, how to be a decent human being…even now as I write this I see the irony, I am here talking about decent human beings and being a good person, whilst I basically bitch about most of the human race and brand them as liars, I am aware I am being a little hypocritical because I have certain values, values I really thought were common, values I thought most of us shared but…no. Do I even truly have these values? Am I arrogant in my confidence that I become undignified, too proud?

Well I’ll be damned if I know! Its like the more I talk the more mixed up things get, check out the rambled change of topic. I do apologize, I will stop. Maybe some of it makes sense, hopefully.

Sex has never meant so much as it does to a recovering porn addicts partner!

So I was lying in bed this morning, my partner sleeping beside me. Contentedly, peacefully, you would never guess from his sweet expression he was fighting a porn addiction.
He snuggled in to my, cuddling me, it was nice. It is about as much physical contact as we get these days.

You see the problem with a recovering porn addict is that, in order to close down the desire for porn, they often shut down the desire full stop. They have subconsciously taught themselves arousal is bad, sex is shameful and dirty. On the other hand you, after years of being rejected, coming second best to porn and after the stresses and strains of their moods and troubles, you feel insecure and in need of physical connection, you need to feel desirable again, like more than just a friend. More than just a crutch to support them, like its worth it, you need some reassurance. And you see the problem unfold.

He pulls away, I want to be closer and we both need these things to get through the hard times. Its possible though, one day we will be having a healthy sexual relationship as well, but it takes a long time, a lot of effort and compromise and as the partner, you have to find other ways to ful the void, other ways to find your self worth again, to reassure yourself your still attractive, you are good enough, its not your failure. Its difficult to say the least.

Anyway, I was lying there, as I do a lot of mornings contemplating my frustrations and how best to deal with them, how to get my security back and feel confident in myself, how to connect without the pressure of sex, I was wondering how we work this so we both get what we need….and then a miracle happened….

After 3 weeks of no contact sexually, he initiated…Yep we had sex and of course now I want to shout if from the rooftops. Because the GOOD thing about sex with a recovering porn addict is that they are there with you, 100% with you, you are connecting in a way you haven’t in a long time, it is meaningful, sparse but meaningful.

After the years of them slipping away to be with their fantasy, knowing they are with you physically but mentally elsewhere with someone else, after the heartache of knowing the sex is meaningless to them, its fantastic to be able to connect again!

Its a step, every time we are one step closer to a healthy sexual relationship, he is one step closer to retuning himself to connect love with sex, emotion with physical sensation. We have a long way to go, many ups and downs I’m sure but it feels good to be on the right path. Together.

Book Recommendation for recovering porn addicts and their partners

So as you know my partner is a porn addict.  He admitted this to himself properly and really decided to start workig on recovery just over a month ago.  Me?  I knew there was a problem long before, of course i tried to tell him, to make him see, to force him to want recovery to choose us over porn… but its not something one can force.

Its not something easily admitted.

So you can imagine my surprise when he agreed to et a self help book and start researching the whole thing.  He had always refused before saying he’d just stop etc… So the we read a few reviews and finally settled on the porn trap.

We set aside time each day and read a chapter a day and then made notes of the tasks and are now going through completing tasks, some are just for him, some are for you as a couple and they are really interesting and helpful.

I feel like reading this book made a monumental difference to his recovery, actually seeing it for real, just how porn affects you, how it messes wit the brain, turns you into someone else.  The book is full of other peoples experiences and really gives you both plenty to relate to.  It helps see things from your partners point of view, really how it is for them and the same for them with you.

The tasks are simple but seemingly effective and it really does cover everything from how addiction starts, why you get addicted, what happens in the brain and how we form a relationship with it due to the pleasure chemicals it releases and how peoples lives have been torn appart to examples and advice on beating the addiction.   Its pretty comprehensive, although sometimes there is a fair few references to religion helping people and, being non religious, we did have to take it with a pinch of salt but other than that it was really interesting and a great bondin experience in itself for us, it initiated alot of difficult discussions I’m not sure we’d have been able to have otherwise.

I can’t say its the best, we haven’t read much on the topic but i can say it was a big help to us and hopefully can be to anyone else going through the same thing.

Dark thoughts in the darkest of night….It must be blog time!

Here I am, once again lying in bed wide awake whilst my partner sleeps away beside me. I resent his sleep, his restfulness. How he can turn off and find blissfulness in sleep when I can’t.

All because…well don’t know any more. Am I crazy, am I overreacting in feeling like we need to work on our intimacy? Is it wrong to need reassurance, to feel loved and like your not trying to fight everything alone? Am I supposed to just deal with it and see how it goes, not try to fix things between us and allow things to just potter along?

Is that even what’s happening? My god I’m lost and confused. I know he is working on his addiction and he talks to me more, he really does but its like he’s become terrified of being close, touching at all, anything loving. Is he confusing it with sex? Convincing himself anything remotely sexual is bad, dirty, wrong? It feels like he’s pulling away from me in this sense, almost like were reverting to some close but strange friendship….or is that howw it is? Am i imagining things worse than they are?  Oh its almost laughable…my babbling, my lack of knowing anything.  How do i manage to keep myself alive with this amount of confusion, its a miracle!

I think I am more damaged than I thought, I feel pretty insecure I’m not even sure if its me being unreasonable wanting him to reassure me, to make me feel better, just for once not focus on his problems and pain but on mine. Am I selfish?
Am I jumping the gun, worrying ahead of time? Its so difficult not to do when you’ve been hurt, to try to prevent yourself from encountering deception and heartache, from both yourself and your partner.

I know I’m sometimes tough on myself, I expect myself to be strong, I never doubted I was. Until now. But I also know I can be tough on him, asking for progress, always feeling like I’m nagging, waiting for answers to questions he doesn’t seem able to answer. Am I confusing both him and myself even more?

Oh dear, How does one get out of this headspace? Well writing this blog is a good start, getting out of the bed and not just lying there in the dark, listening to him breathe so restfully and easily, getting so resentful of his peace I want to reach over and punch him. I don’t really, want to punch him I mean, I love him. I know that, and he loves me.

Yes getting up before I commit assault was a good plan, getting the crap out of my head out here is another good thing, once its out, its said I do feel a little more peaceful, I have emptied it out into the universe, its not clogging me up anymore, the universe can do what it will. I have sectioned my thoughts into paragraphs and accepted blame and asked questions I may not have answered but seeing them all down here, makes me see they may not all need an immediate answer, maybe I need to let it go. Stop searching and start living.

If only it were that easy…..